You don’t have a man because :: you’re too strong, too independent, too smart

“It is better to have an old bride
than to sleep in a bachelor’s hut.”

Being home this holiday has been strange because literally every woman that I see is pregnant or walking with a toddler in tow. How can one not feel broody and why is everyone having babies? One of my explanations for this is the terrible powercuts that my city suffers. Ever heard of the Blackout Baby Boom of 1965?

Google it now. Seriously, do it.

If you are reading this you then you are probably single and have no little yous in sight.

Cats don’t count as little yous. Ahem.

Did you Google the blackout baby boom? If the search engine of internet wisdom did it’s job then you discovered that the blackout baby boom of 1965 was a myth. A myth that people believed for years. It was only debunked five years later.

What’s you response to the idea that men don’t like women who are too strong, smart or independent?

Which one of these have you heard most often?

1) You are too strong.

This is you if:
>You find yourself entering arm wrestling competitions when you are out.
> At work, you are often the only woman in a room full of men.
> Your friends judge you because you voted for The A-Team, Die Hard II and First Blood for girls’ night in.

After some informal research, my friend Mbali and I noted with frustration that most of women that we saw getting into relationships seemed to be the fragile, wallflower variety of woman. The “strong” women were left in the cold (but fortunately were hardy enough to weather the harsh conditions). Of our friends in church – those women perceived as very spiritually strong were less likely to get hooked up. And men rarely expressed interest in women with powerful personalities.

Most women see this trend and opt for one of two things: either scale down on their strength and conform to what they perceive to be what a man is looking for; or resign themselves to a life of singleness.

2) You are too independent.

This is you if:
> You can change your own tyre/ do any and all repairs around the house.
> You own that house.
> You love the idea of moving away from your hometown, on your own, and living life in the big city.

Women who fit the above bill look like they have it all together and they did it all on their own. They do not need anything or anyone. I have heard it said that men need to be needed and are intimidated by or not interested in a being in a relationship where they feel like they have nothing to offer.

I know of women who have actively resisted buying a house for fear that this will be the death knell of their marriage prospects. I know of women who are reluctant to be promoted into leadership positions because they want to avoid the stigma associated with being a ‘boss lady’. Remember Miranda from Devil Wears Prada?

3) You are too smart.

This is you if:
> You start Twitter wars and call them intellectual debates.
> You call yourself a sapiosexual.
> You have a brain.

These women are often told that they are too opinionated or too clever for their own good. While in the kitchen cooking with the women, they fantastize about the arguments about politics that the men must be having. Smart women are the professors, medical doctors, journalists, activists, entrepreneurs or the woman who never graduated from high school but is well read in philosophy.

Smart women are either very vocal or very subdued women who dumb themselves down. Some are worried about being called a feminist so never express a bold opinion about anything. Still others place that label on themselves and find their identity in it.

A word of wisdom

For the strong woman : Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). Strength is not the same as hardness, tears are not a sign of weakness. Cultivate compassion, allow yourself to feel and to express your feelings. Be strong in love and generous with your affection for others.

For the independent woman: Do not think of yourself more highly than you should think (Romans 12:3). Don’t put things where people should be and don’t confuse what you have with who you are. You may have it all but only God can do all things by Himself. Learn to be dependent on God at all times and dependent on people sometimes.

For the smart woman: Do not be wise in your own estimation. (Romans 12:16b). The Gospel makes us both bold and humble. We are humbled because we know that although an intelligent God gives the ability to think, intellectualism cannot save us from the corruption of our hearts. This gives us freedom and makes us bold because our egos or identity are not attached to how smart we are in our own eyes or the eyes of others.

Your turn:

“Do not be conformed to this age but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

For a follower of Christ three questions emerge:

In general, is your view of singleness God’s view or the world’s view?

Have you allowed people’s/ men’s prevailing views of what being a woman means to trump God’s view?

Are you open to having your mind changed about these things?

You are strong.
You are independent.
You are smart.

What are your thoughts? Comment below.

Honey love,
Shula xoxo