“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting”
By Mbali Sebaeng
I have a crush on this guy, but to be truthful, this crush is more akin to ‘unmerited fondness’ because all I really know about the guy is what I have found out when I was stalk… erm… conducting private and industrious investigations on him. The day I met this guy, I was being introduced to a lot of new faces. What made him stand out was that for something like 10 minutes he looked at me in the eyes and engaged with me like he really wanted to know what I thought about the topic.
Fast forward a couple of months later and my encounters with him can only be described as awkward. But this is not the RomCom awkward where you are both into each other but don’t know how to navigate your feelings. No. This is the ‘I struggle to look into your eyes because you might see through me and run in the opposite direction yelling “FREAK!”’ kind of awkward. Hmphh. So I content myself with the little that Google, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and ‘corner of my eye’ watching has to offer. It’s safer.
“The biggest paradox of the human condition is that we yearn to be known yet we fear being known.”
We want to be known because when we are truly known and love is proclaimed, we can be sure that it will never waver. We fear being truly known because if we are known and eyebrows are raised, we can be sure that rejection is around the corner.
Take a second (maybe more) to think about all the things that you don’t like about yourself and all the secrets you are keeping inside. Jot them down. Meditate over them…
Hey! Someone knows each and every one of these and they are NOT screaming “FREAK!” Instead they are constantly calling you to say “Do you want to hang out today?”
So you run. Avoid contact. But perplexed you find yourself asking “where can I run from you?” (v7). You go to all your hiding places; your addictions, but He is already there, waiting (v9). There is no escape; He seems to have a tracker on you. But then you realize: there is no malice in Him. He has His hand outstretched, ready to lead you out of the cobwebs. Not only does He know who you were and who you are, he also knows who you will become (v16) and you find that His thoughts about YOU are rare, beautiful and countless.
Everything in you struggles to understand them (v17). So you fold. You show all your cards and you boldly ask Him to investigate you, even your anxious thoughts and lead you into the eternal road (v23-24).
“Jesus, I can’t believe that you know me full well, yet you seek me out. I am grateful for this because it is only in my walk with You that I can be truly changed and led into the everlasting, with your loving hand as our guide. I pray you open my eyes to your countless thoughts of me and as my heart thaws, I may be ravished by the glory of who You are. Amen”