On some days I wish I could sit down with you over some tea and marshmallows and settle into our familiar line of conversation about nothing and everything. You’ll play me your latest favourite song and I’ll talk about the inspiring stuff I’ve been reading. And just enjoy the comfort of your presence again.
But today is not one of those days.
I have no powerful quotes to share and I haven’t even thought of a Bible verse. I’m hoping that you’ll listen to me anyway, even if this might turn out to be a pill that is hard to swallow for you. I will get straight to the point: the guy you are with is an anchor, cut him off.
You often call me judgemental when I bring him up but you and I know that your defensive tone of voice speaks for itself. You have said yourself that you have no clue where your relationship is going, he blows hot and cold and throws tantrums when you try to have a conversation about it. He is emotionally immature, manipulative and to top it off, refuses to introduce you as his girlfriend.
But you know what, this is not about him, it is about you and that veil of pretense that you wear to cover up your insecurities. Underneath all of those excuses that you make for him is the belief that you need him. He makes you feel desirable, beautiful, important. His presence in your life validates you and he fills up that part of you that longs to be wanted.
He holds the strings of your heart and tugs at them at will. He can have you walking on sunshine one moment and then posting those emo Facebook statuses in the middle of the night. It is not that he is a bad guy, he is just… Complicated.
Every time you try to leave, he is using those same strings to pull you back into himself. He talks about how he cannot breathe without you and how you are nothing without him. The truth is, he is probably terrified of having to do his cooking, laundry and housework. So he starts going to church again, you convince yourself that this time, this time, things will be different.
I just remembered something that I read on Twitter:
“If your boyfriend is always making you cry then you need to ask yourself if you are in a relationship with an onion or a man.”
(Haha. Forgive my attempt at lightening the moment. Inappropriate?)
I guess what I am trying to say is that you were made to be in a relationship with a man who respects you enough to commit himself to you fully and be clear about his intentions towards you. And there are men out here who are like that. You never have to feel like you need to get your sense of significance from a man because it has been given to you by God, He loves you and sees you.
I know and understand your fear of being alone and never finding anyone. But we both agree that a life lived in fear is no life at all. Choose faith. Choose to believe that God will honour your desire for a relationship with a godly man that will last a lifetime. And choose to believe that if you never get married, you will be okay! Choose to believe the truth.
My prayer is that you would see your true value and choose to live out of that revelation. I hope you know that I am saying things because I care and, regardless of the choice you make I will remain your friend always.