12 Reasons Why You Absolutely Loathe Being Single

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Remember the last wedding you went to?

You could barely sleep the night before from all the excitement. Also your head was throbbing because you got your hair done for the special day. It was a garden wedding. The guests gathered in little groups looking their best – shiny suits, cologne and stiletto shoes sinking in the grass.

The groom stood there at the front nervously shifting his tie around. The music began, the bride had arrived. Everything seemed to flash by and before you knew it the sermon, the awkward “if any person knows of any lawful impediment” moment and the vows were done.

Speeches, photos, bouquets and garters were thrown. You danced the night away. The clock struck midnight, the happy couple said their goodbyes and the music stopped. Your carriage turned into a pumpkin and you still had both slippers on your feet.

Suddenly you’re aware of how very single you are. Why is every person in the room a couple? And why are you the only human who had to get off the dancefloor when the Babyface song came on? And how come even that girl with no social skills and hair that hasn’t been washed in 700 years could get a date?

On that day being single feels like the worst thing ever. Actually, it’s pretty much all year round, from January to December.

1. New Years is a time for us to reflect on the year gone by and to envision the year to come. January 1 often comes with a rare form of insanity that makes you think that this is a good year to reconnect with an ex. Or make a resolution that you will be in a relationship by March. So you spend the first few hours of the year Facebook stalking and strategically commenting on his posts. Eventually, good sense will prevail. But not before you’ve had to deactivate your account, change your name and seriously consider moving to Tibet.

2. Do we really need to explain why February is problematic? Roses, heart shaped chocolates, heart shaped picture frames, heart shaped cards with hearts on them. Le sigh.

3. March comes with the realisation that it’s only two months into the year and you’re ALREADY failing at this relational resolution thing! Your best friend met the man of her dreams last month (ah, the month of love) and you’re happy for her but she was the girl who never EVER wanted to get married! I mean, what does a girl have to do to get a date up in here?

4. Has anyone else noticed that there’s some kind of collective conspiracy that on two weekends of the year all must pay their dues to God and be at church on Sunday morning – Christmas and Easter? Church in April will make you hate your life because that’s when everyone comes to church with their big, happy families. Yes, that woman who comes to church alone every week actually has a husband and he’s cute. He just whispered something in her ear and she giggled. Ah, that impossibly stylish couple is here with their gorgeous stylish baby! Those duds are NOT from Ackermans.

5. Walking through the park in May is a beautiful experience. That’s when the paths are lined with fallen leaves and the weather is warm enough for you not to need a coat but chilly enough to make you wish you’d brought a cardigan. It’s also the month that’s perfect for a couple’s sunset photoshoot! Romeo, where art thou Romeo?!

6. and 7. go together because June and July are the worst months ever for one reason – WINTER. You can’t get warm enough without another creature’s body heat. The cat needs her personal space and has escaped to her hiding place. You could really do with a hot chocolate. A hot husband to cuddle with would be nice also. You settle for a hot water bottle instead. It’s cold after an hour. If you had a hot husband he would sacrifice his warm cocoon to put the water on the boil for you and refill the bottle. But you don’t so… here kitty –kitty.

8. The older you get, the louder that ticking noise in your head gets. It’s the biological clock y’all! August is the month when the most babies are born and as over the moon as you are that this is the 17th godchild you’re mothering you can’t help but be reminded that you’re not a MOTHER – mother. You also want to go through 13 hours of labour, contend with projectile vomit and barely catch three hours of sleep per night! Right?

9. September is the month of spring – new hope! New life! New boyfri- no? Still? Ah, man.

10. Statistics say that December is the most popular month for weddings. So naturally by October everyone’s trying to get the lobola part of things done before the white wedding. Remember the best friend who met her boo in February? Well, he’s been officially introduced to the family and they’re about to begin negotiations. God, can we go back to the fact that I was the one praying for my husband, fasting Generations and chocolate? She was the one taking the vow of lifelong celibacy, solitude and looking up missions to Tibet. WHY, LORD?

11. You’re the maid of honour.

12. It’s wedding month and you have a hundred gazillion invitations stuck on your fridge. You’ve picked out your outfits, you got your nails did and you’ll be wearing wedges so your heels don’t sink in the grass. You will cry real tears – bittersweet.

But you will remind yourself that the one thing that’s worse than being single now is being in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life with a person that’s wrong for you.

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©2015 Zola Ndlovu, No reblogging/copying without author’s permission.
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