Zininzi is an accountant and has only ever imagined herself with a professional – a lawyer, a doctor or an engineer. And her attraction to Simba has been unnerving for one reason: he’s at the coffee shop every day but he’s not a customer. He’s the guy who takes her order, recreates heaven in a cup and shapes the foam so it looks like a heart. He doesn’t own the coffee shop, he’s a barista.
She feels conflicted because she likes him but is unsure about giving him a chance because, well, he makes coffee for a living! People actually go to school for that? Sure, he seems like a great guy but what about his career? Should finances be an issue? Will he resent her for earning more? Is she okay with being married to a house-husband for the rest of her life?
Along with her accounting degree, Zininzi OBVIOUSLY has a Masters in getting ahead of herself. The guy hasn’t even asked her out on a date and she’s already living in their first year of marriage. And yet her thought process is common, isn’t it?
Every woman has a MUST-HAVE list. There’s an invisible app running in the background that tells her who’s eligible and who’s not. When she asks about your degree she’s auditing your potential earning power. When she asks about your job she’s comparing your average salary with hers. When she asks these things that’s her way of admitting that she has a mortal fear of marrying a broke scrub who thinks he’s fly but is living off his wife’s paycheck.
A woman’s desire for financial security is legit. It’s not gold digging.
But every woman must remember that, ultimately, you’re in a relationship with a person, not a bank account. If it was true that money can buy happiness then rich people would have the happiest relationships in the world. Money has its place, but it isn’t enough to sustain a relationship in the long run. Think practically about finances, but don’t let that be the primary reason why you choose to say yes to someone or to reject them. What you should be asking yourself is: Is this man generous?
“Anyone can give away something expensive, but only someone who understands sacrifice can give away something valuable.” Kris Valotton
Scientific research shows that women with generous husbands have better marriages. What we mean by ‘generous’ is “giving… good things freely and abundantly”. So it’s not the guy who declares, “This round’s on me fellas!” in the club. Or the dude who offers you a monthly allowance to cover your rent, water and weave. Or even the guy who’s paying for the education of his three siblings, two nephews and his cousin twice removed.
Generosity is about the heart. A truly generous man doesn’t just give expensive stuff away, he gives away what is truly valuable, which is himself. In relationships, what’s of primary importance isn’t how much a man can contribute financially, but rather how willing he is to sacrifice himself for your good. These three gifts will be far more valuable in the long run than any material things that he can offer you:
1. The gift of words: Is he an encouraging person?
A truly generous man will not only give you gifts of expensive jewelry but he will adorn you with his words. He calls out the best in people, always. He reminds you that you are beautiful, strong and wanted. He expresses appreciation. He doesn’t use his words to control, tear down or manipulate. He uses them to build you up.
2. The gift of grace: Is he willing to accept people’s weaknesses and work around them?
Often the difference between a strong relationship and one that’s doomed to fail is how we respond to the weaknesses of those we love. If he’s a perfectionist who can’t accept your weaknesses then you’ll be crushed under the weight of his expectations and his disappointment. A truly generous dude understands that you can’t change the fact that you always leave drawers open when you take something out, but he’s willing to be the one to come after you and close them.
3. The gift of forgiveness: Is he quick to forgive the failures of those close to him?
If he’s the kind of guy who never got over the fact that his little brother broke his favourite Power Rangers action figure when was five, then he’s not the kind of guy who will forgive you when you mess up. Forgiveness is choosing to let go of your right to claim what someone owes you. It’s acknowledging that they wronged you and choosing not to get your pay back. Forgiveness is generosity and a truly generous man doesn’t hold grudges against those who have done him wrong.
Nothing will cost him more than giving up his ego and if he thinks you’re worth it, he will be willing to give it up many times over. Don’t get caught up in whether he can afford you and forget what’s really important – not the balance in his account but the condition of his heart.
Do you think financial security is important? Why?