Scandal! Sex, Secrets and Being Olivia Pope

Behold the gladiator amongst gladiators. She’s the best at what she does, she commands respect amongst her peers and her reputation precedes her. Pope speaks, people listen. There’s no problem too complex for her to figure out, if you need her to, she will handle it. There’s nothing she can’t fix.

She is Olivia Pope.

You are Olivia Pope. You also have a scandal, a secret that you’ve kept under wraps. You don’t know when it will blow up and ruin your reputation, you worry that it never will and you’ll never be free from the lies. It may not be as high powered as Olivia’s but it’s as sensational.

What’s your scandalous sexual secret?

Pornography is like cologne – the target market is men but there are whole lot of women out there who use it! The internet gives us easy access. Porn story lines are so stupid and depraved that you have to turn your mind and your heart off to consume even 5 minutes of it. It’s weird because it you gives you an out of body experience, you’re numb, and you forget yourself. For every 1 ounce of pleasure, you have 100 ounces of feeling disgusted with yourself to deal with.

Fantasy and masturbation – 99% of women are doing it and the other 1% is lying. Most women fantasise to masturbate. For single women the motivation is clear – it’s convenient and uncomplicated. You don’t need any kind of commitment with anyone to get sexual satisfaction, you do it yourself. The problem with masturbation is that it wants to master you. It’s not content to come up once every month, it wants to be there when you’re feeling lonely, or stressed or bored. It wants to become your escape, your comfort, your craving.
Casual sexual encounters are a thing that’s very strongly associated with men. But who are they sleeping with? Obviously there are more women out here having casual sexual encounters than we care to admit. Sometimes it’s with someone you call a friend, other times it’s after the first date. The defining characteristic of one night stand-esque sex is that it’s "risky-not-risky". It’s risky because you’re engaging in sexual behaviour that exposes you to sexual infections, unplanned pregnancy and sleazy men. But it’s not risky because you’re opening your body up but not your heart – it’s physical intimacy without the deep emotional and spiritual intimacy.

Same sex attraction. It takes guts for a woman to be open about the fact that she’s sexually attracted to other women, it’s easier to just hide it and try your best to make sense of it by yourself. You start of just hiding your attraction but it’s not long before you’re hiding yourself. You struggle with feelings of confusion, shame and guilt. You feel confused because you wonder if God made a mistake when he created you. You’re ashamed because you feel wrong, broken, un-fixable. You feel guilty because there’s a side of you that no one knows and if they did they would surely cast you out.

Sexual crimes like rape, molestation and incest have a way of making the victim the criminal while the perpetrator goes free. If you’ve been sexually violated then you know the agony of asking yourself what you did to deserve it. It’s not something that you can just talk about, it’s not something you want to talk about. You want to forget it. You want to not be a dirty little girl. You want to move on, to not be defined by it. You don’t want the stigma of being the victim, you wish you could take back what was stolen.

Sexual secrets are like a dark cloud looming over your head and every day you’re wondering when the release will come. Secrets become toxic very quickly because they’re like a bleeding wound that you’re concealing. Without care wounds get infected, without treatment, infections spread. Secrets grow in the dark and are the biggest barrier to authenticity.

Underneath all the masks and layers is the real you, the overcomer. We become overcomers when we believe that we were created to be powerful and free, that this is our purpose. Discovering exactly what that means is the journey of a lifetime, a journey that you must choose to take.

Stop hiding, find healing, find purpose.

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Honey love,

Shula
xoxo

childhood sexual abuse :: hush little baby don’t say a word.

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“He who conceals his disease cannot expect to be cured.”

This is Mukoko ‘s first post about sexuality and, to begin with, we’ll need to go way back. This might be hard for some of us because childhood sexual abuse is not just a topic of discussion, but a personal experience. And maybe something that you hate thinking about. That may even be true for someone who has never experienced it themselves but is close to someone who has.

Don’t stop reading now.

Don’t stop reading because this issue is important. Make a decision that you’re going to engage with what’s being said here today. Look out for the questions that you can respond to at the end.

Our little secret

When I was a little girl I was terrible at keeping secrets. I just could not keep my mouth shut about anything and my older sister hated it! I was always running and “telling on” her to mommy.

When did you first learn to keep secrets?

Many of us have secrets in our hearts that we have kept for years. Stuff that even those closest to us do not know. An 80 year old woman who has never told anyone about what her uncle did when she was just 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 years old. Before he moved away. He would slither in, whisper to her in his raspy voice, and slither out again.

It was their little secret, he hissed, she dare not tell anyone else.

At some point in our childhoods we learned that some things should be concealed or hidden from others, especially bad things. We learned that certain truths can get people hurt.

“If you tell anyone what happened here, you’ll go to jail forever/ your mom and dad will die.” Back then we kept secrets because we had a distorted view of things, not old enough to reason. Feeling some kind of responsibility for what was happening.

That was us as children.

Why do we continue to keep these secrets in our adulthood, years later, sometimes even long after the abuser has died?

Many of us reading this right now (most of us in our twenties and thirties) had a sexual encounter in our childhood that we have never told anyone about. Or one that was discovered and then quickly swept under the carpet and never raised again. Why?

Let the little children come to Me.

Read Luke 2. A newborn baby in a manger. God incarnate in a teeny-weeny bundle – what a powerful mystery Christmas presents! God works in mysterious ways. We may never comprehend the deep meaning of Christmas in the eternal sense but today we know this: Jesus the Christ is not distant or uncaring. He knows what it is to have the mind of a child – vulnerable and dependent.

He knows our secrets and our reasons. And he cares.

Your turn:

Given the prevalence of sexual abuse of children, why do you think there is still so much secrecy and silence about it in our homes?

Leave your comment below, let’s start a conversation.

Honey love

Shula.

Would love to hear from you! If you’d like to contact Shula personally email realmukoko@gmail.com